Here’s a hypothetical situation that I’m sure we can all relate to. Imagine that you did something nice and out of the ordinary for someone you care a lot about. However, instead of receiving thankfulness from the recipient you get in return ambivalence. All the thought, time, and effort you put into doing something nice did not produce the reaction you expected to get in return. How do you react to this?
When we are confronted with a situation where someone is not acting in an expected manner we go through a range of thoughts and emotions. Often, these thoughts and emotions are directed towards the person we feel slighted us. An argument may ensue as you question the person as to why they didn’t appreciate the act of thoughtfulness which will, more than likely, lead to more emotional pain. We need to do our best not to react in this manner. Acting this way is a way of trying to control the other person into giving us the reaction that we had expected. However, what usually happens is more suffering is created by the attempt at coercion and no one benefits. How then, should we react in this situation?
Focus on yourself. The only real control we have is control over ourselves. No matter how hard we might try to change another person's reaction or perspective, we cannot. Only they can do that for themselves. However, we can control ourselves and how we react to the event. So, using the previous example, what can we do? Instead of putting focus on the other person’s reaction we can turn the focus onto ourselves. First by realizing we cannot control the other person and second by taking self reflection. You can start self reflection by asking yourself questions. For example, what about so and so not showing appreciation for my effort is bothering me? Continue this line of self inquiry until you have pinpointed why you are reacting in the manner you are.
Focus on yourself. This is not to say that we shouldn’t continue to think of others and care for them. Showing kindness towards others is virtuous, but expecting specific reactions from others is harmful to ourselves, and our relationships. Continue to do kind acts for others, but expect nothing in return. This includes expectations of reactions. Stay mindful that we are only truly in control of ourselves and others are only in control of themselves.